Of boyfriends and other disasters
by zcvoknout
Summary: Tony Stark loved his daughter, he really did. And he usually went with everything she did - she was sensible girl. At least, he thought so. He started doubt that after she announced yet another boyfriend of hers. As if those before weren't bad enough - now she brought home a Frost Giant!


_**Just a silly little plot bunny which didn't want to leave my head after watching one too many movies with Kat Dennings. Please don't take this too seriously - timeline is practically non-existent, dialogs are slightly crazy and it's all just for fun. Just close your eyes and imagine this happened :D**_

 _ **And if you'll like it, leave a comment (and if not, leave one all the same).**_

 _ **Characters mentioned in this story are from Daydream Nation, Nick and Norah's infinite playlist, Charlie Bartlett, 2 Broke Girls and The House Bunny - so not mine, obviously.**_

* * *

Tony loved his daughter, he really did. And he usually went with everything she did. But what is too much is too much. He had to put his foot down now, although he knew it won't have desired effect (he should have start with disciplining her about twenty years ago). But he had to try. So, with new shot of determination, Mr. Iron Man himself frowned on his little darling.

"No."

Darcy Lewis-Stark was not amused. Of all times her genius of a dad had to start be all, well, fatherly, it had to be now. Seriously, thinking about it, she surely did worse things in the past than this.

"Dad..." she sighed tiredly. This _Dad - No_ thing went for hours! At least, it seemed it did.

"No. Just... no."

"Come on!"

"I put up with lot of your nonsense in the past, but this is too much." Tony started pacing in front of the window, looking like he would explode any minute. For a second, Darcy wanted to back off - he shouldn't be stressing after all. But this had to be resolved sooner or later and, well, Darcy preferred the sooner option. So she shoved her concern about her father's health into back of her mind and switched to offensive.

"Oh, please. Like you're a saint." Her dad smirked unhappily.

"I'm not saying that, but your taste in men is severely lacking." Darcy gasped. That was low.

"That's not true!" she exclaimed, loosing her cool momentarily. Tony noticed and quickly seized the opportunity.

"Isn't it? Let's have a look, shall we?" he almost rubbed his hands gleefully.

"Dad..." tried Darcy for the last time, but Tony was unstoppable now. Like presenting his newest invention, he started to present the history of his daughter's past sweethearts. Well, those he knew of, anyway.

"First there was that junkie Thurston." He wasn't expecting Darcy argue about the junkie bit and he wasn't disappointed. His dear daughter rolled her eyes and answered:

"Technically, he wasn't the first. And he was very sensitive, hurt young man." Tone she was talking about him suggested that she viewed him more like a hurt puppy. It didn't calm Tony at all - there were another way of doing charity. He rather continued with enumeration.

"Than that musician, Nick." Hearing this name, Darcy giggled a bit.

"Nick was cute," she said. Tony didn't share the sentiment.

"If by cute you mean dorky bordering on bat shit crazy." Another eye roll, another sigh.

"He loved his music, that's what is important." Tony wondered from who she got this flower-child babbles. It certainly wasn't him or Pepper.

Next name on the list stirred some conflicted emotion inside Tony.

"Charlie Bartlett. The fine example of troubled teenager." He tried to sound angry, but in this particular case he wasn't very successful. Darcy noticed, because she smiled knowingly:

"You _liked_ Charlie."

"No, I really didn't." Of course he tried to bluff, but Darcy was persistent.

"You still talk to him twice a week!"

"He's my psychologist. That doesn't mean I like him." On that, Darcy actually laughed out loud.

"You're impossible," she shook her head. It might be a truth, but Tony was unstoppable now.

"And thats just high school."

"Okay, okay..."

"Then came Johnny, bartender slash artist slash absolute dickhead." A little harsh, maybe, but Tony still couldn't stomach the mere idea of this guy. But Darcy only shrugged:

"Can't argue about that one." Tony's eyes almost fell out of its sockets.

" _Now_ you don't argue, but when we were trying to tell you, you weren't listening."

"I was twenty, of course I wasn't listening," dismissed Darcy, but Tony would not let it slide. Not this time. This conversation was turning to more than presentation of his daughter's unsuitable boys. And, maybe it was good. Some real heart to heart was long overdue.

"You weren't listening about anything. To this day, I still don't understand what were you intended to achieve while playing a waitress in Williamsburg instead of going to college right away." Tony really didn't understand it. Why would _anyone_ voluntarily leave everything and move into stinky little flat and then share it with a horse. A _horse_!

"I told you, I needed a break." And this wasn't helping at all.

"When people need a break they go to spa. But you changed your identity and started cupcake business." Darcy giggled again.

"And I'm proud of that - Caroline is pretty well off now." Tony wanted to palm his forehead. Instead, he just dryly uttered:

"Well Caroline knows thing or two about keeping money." Darcy gasped, outraged.

"Dad!"

"What?"

"Rude!"

"Whatever." Tony waved his hand over this.

There was a brief pause. Darcy looked around like she was trying to find a way out and then carefully asked:

"Are you finished?" She really hoped to hear a yes, but apparently, today was not her happy day, for her father smiled devilishly and said:

"Not even close." She could only groan. Tony took a deep breath and continued:

"We are finally getting to the really good bits." Darcy gave him a dirty look.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Tony ignored her.

"When you finally, _finally_ decided to go to college, you started to live in the crumbling house with bunch of weirdos. Under yet _another_ name." Ah, yes, changing names was a game Darcy was enjoying the most - and not because it was vexing her dad so much. He didn't realize what it meant for a young girl to wear name Stark. Darcy wasn't like him in this aspect - she didn't enjoy being center of attention everywhere she went. She liked her privacy and anonymity. But instead explaining this to her dad, she rather teased him some more.

"I liked Mona, she was one of my bests. And you liked Shelley, if I'm remembering correctly. Really, _really_ liked her." Tony had at least decency to blush. Hopping around with playboy bunny before his daughter's eyes probably wasn't one of his finest moments. Not that she didn't see him doing worse before but... well, rather not go there.

"Thank god I don't know about your boyfriends back then," Tony rather switched back to the topic at hand. He finally stopped pacing around and sat into the chair.

"Is there anything I missed?" he asked then. Darcy pretended to think for a second.

"Well, you skipped that part when I slept with my English teacher, but that was really long time ago." She said it very casually and Tony was glad he wasn't drinking at the moment, for he was sure he would choke.

"Wh-what?! When?" he wasn't actually sure he wanted to hear the answer. Fortunately, Darcy weren't intending to provide one. She made few steps to her father and sat on the armrest of the chair.

"Never mind, he was an idiot." Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"I'm going to need a very strong drink to bleach this out of my mind."

"I have weed, if you want."

"And then another to bleach this." Darcy laughed. She slid down a little and hugged her dad.

"Daddy, come on," she purred into his ear. "It all turned out pretty well, didn't it? I finished school, thanks to Jane and her internship finally got interested in computers, got a job in family company... what else do you want?" she asked him with genuine wonder in her voice. Tony gave her incredulous look and then slowly but distinctly, like if he was talking to a little child, answered:

"I want you to not date a psychotic alien!" Darcy frowned.

"You know, after the list of all my past boyfriends you just presented, Loki doesn't look that bad."

"Yeah, except for the fact he tried to take over the world."

"Well, at least he didn't intend to destroy it, like, say, Ultron."

"That was low."

"I learned from the best."

"I have a feeling you don't mean me." Darcy didn't contradict him, just smiled cryptically.

"Take it like a compliment." Tony rolled his eyes.

"Why can't you just go out with that cute boy from chem labs? JARVIS says he was asking about you." He wouldn't believe there would come the day he would try to set up his daughter with someone, but, here it was. But Darcy didn't look intrigued at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

"Dad, he's like thirteen years old!" That wasn't true, but Darcy looked disgusted by the mere idea. But Tony wasn't giving up. Anything was better than smooth-talking psychopath with serious daddy issues.

"He's very clever."

"He has sixth finger on his left hand."

"Since when you care about appearance? And anyway, at least he didn't fathered eight legged horse." Darcy gave him reproving look.

"Have you been reading that Erik's myths book again?" she asked. "I thought that Thor told you it wasn't true and explained everything." Tony frowned.

"Thor _doesn't_ _know_ _everything_." I wasn't meant as a joke, but Darcy giggled nevertheless.

"That is certainly true." Tony shook his head over his daughter's merriness. How he was supposed to stay firm father, when she was cute like that? Devil's girl!

They sat together for a while in complete silence, both wondering what to say next to convince the other of their side of things. Darcy opened her mouth several times, but never said anything. At the end it was Tone who spoke first.

"I don't trust him," he said gravely. Darcy looked up, surprised.

"You fight by his side at the week basis, how can you not trust him?" she asked and for the first time in their conversation there was no trace of teasing in her voice. Tony gave her a little smile and rubbed her arm soothingly.

"I don't trust him with my daughter's happiness." If he hoped this would broke her, he was mistaken. However, Darcy did cooed over this.

"Aw... that was very sweet, daddy," she giggled and gave Tony brief kiss on his cheek. But before he could say something more, she continued:

"You don't have to worry. In case he would ever hurt me, he will have not just you, but _all_ the Avengers _and_ half of the SHIELD going after him." When Tony didn't look convinced, she added:

"Really, he said that even Thor said something like that." She was partially joking, Tony was sure, but there was steel in her eyes. And at that moment he realized that there was no way of convincing her to let Thor's troubled younger brother alone. He may as well give up now. That way she at least won't get mad - and therefore stays close so he will be able to keep an eye on Mr. Reindeer Games. With long, overly suffering sight, he finally broke down.

"Hm... well I guess..." he didn't even finished his sentence. Darcy squealed enthusiastically and jumped up, giving him another kiss in the process.

"Aw! Thank you!" she exclaimed, hugging him so tight that Tony had suddenly problem with breathing. But as abruptly as she pounced on him she released him again.

"I will send him in," she announced happily and swiftly headed to the door behind which her boyfriend was surprisingly patiently waiting. Tony sighed again and this time, suffering was very real.

"Great."


End file.
